Pande-monium

Takes a pandemic to propel me back to blogging, apparently.

My mind had been on it prior to that, but disaster provides strong motivation to reach out. I’d have posted sooner, like two weeks ago when it began, only the practicalities of turning your life upside down pretty much overnight take one hell of a lot of time and energy.

Finding yourself tired all the time? I’m exhausted. I sleep like an angel at night, but the emotional impact of all this drains every ounce of energy. I don’t doubt you feel that, too.

I’ve been posting semi-regular daily journal entries on Facebook for the consumption of friends and family, then realized that’s not the best medium for more complex thoughts. Bluestalking’s been sitting idle a long while, waiting for me to make up my mind what to do with it. I’d rather it hadn’t taken a global crisis to nudge me back toward writing.

Thanks, but no thanks, COVID-19.

Writer’s block, a thing I’ve rolled my eyes at basically forever, hit me with a vengeance several months ago. I quit reviewing, keeping a journal, even reading. Moving away, in spitting distance of where I’d spent nearly 30 years of my life but far away in terms of culture, provoked such fear and panic and I can’t tell you why. I left the country with less anxiety – TWICE.

I lost touch with myself. It manifested itself in out-sized anxiety I struggled to control, succeeding by virtue of digging my fingernails into the ledge I nearly dropped from. The place I moved is packed with character, the apartment charming as hell, and the diversity of the area far removed from my blindingly white former home.

But I kind of fell apart.

Coming back to writing and reading will, I’m hoping, return me to myself.

I know no one who’s had COVID-19, or even knows anyone who’s fallen victim. Counting myself lucky on that score. Also fortunate my occupation allows me to work from home; I have a regular salary from a company that’s thriving – actually hiring in the midst of this dystopian nightmare, and full benefit of health insurance.

My pantries are so full, if pressed I could stay in place at least a couple of months – though, Christ, I hope it won’t be that long. I lack for nothing, save face to face contact with those I love, though that’s a huge, yawning gap. I’m thankful for video chatting. There’s that.

The State of Illinois has been under a shelter-in-place order a week now, and I abide by that strictly, leaving home only to pick up medication, so far. When I need eventually need groceries, I’ll either order for pick up or have them delivered.

Again, I’m fortunate.

But tired, and struggling to wriggle back into my skin. Pandemics just don’t show up at convenient times, do they?

We are in this together, and what we make of this time will define how future generations judge us, looking back. I, for one, want to be able to look at my future grandchildren and say I more than got through this. Not just “I learned 100 ways to cook beans,” but “I accomplished a thing” – then tell them about it.

We will get through this.

6 thoughts on “Pande-monium

  1. sorry to hear of your troubles, Lisa. I think we’ve all found it hard to stir ourselves out of fear-induced lethargy (the alternative to panic). Here in the UK there’s such huge demand on delivery services it’s almost impossible to book a slot. Fortunately some our smaller retailers of local produce (farm shops and the like) have taken the initiative and offer an ‘order and collect’ service. So at least we can go out now and then to pick up fresh stuff. Until, that is, the government decides to impose a complete lockdown. They’re already saying that the restrictions need to get tougher. Meanwhile, I hope you manage to lift your spirits. I’ve found getting back into blogging quite therapeutic, and it’s good to have the virtual contact with folks across the world.

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    • Thanks for the kind wishes. I go through panic followed by positivity. Riding this out alone is tough, indeed. I’ve had mini nervous breakdowns, understandable in this situation. I’ve stopped watching the news save a few minutes a day, stopped looking at the numbers of infected and mortality rates more than every couple of days. Trying to believe there will be an after, that the world with get through this. Very difficult

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    • Yes, it’s turned a lot of us inward. Introverts are content enough in solitude but being forced to stay home weeks on end is wearing on a person. I will comply, of course, but will be glad when all this is past us. All best.

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