A few books coming out next week that make me want to drive an icepick through my head:

As Husbands Go: A Novel by Susan Isaacs (Scribner, $25, 9781416573012/1416573011) follows a woman who seeks her husband's killer after he is found dead in a prostitute's apartment.

Wait… You're losing me here. Was it the killer who was dead, or the husband?

Hey, I found him!

The Search by Nora Roberts (Putnam, $26.95, 9780399156571/0399156577) centers on a canine search-and-rescue trainer who once survived a serial killer's attack and must now face another.

Dang. What are the odds? But that's a totally believable plot line. I smell blockbuster!

The Beaufort Diaries by T. Cooper and Alex Petrowsky (Melville House, $15.95, 9781935554073/1935554077) is about a polar bear who makes an environmental action movie with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Does this one involve an iceberg, too, like that one movie he was in? You know, the one about the boat? Let's see… What was that called again? He was taking a cruise…

The Island: A Novel by Elin Hilderbrand (Reagan Arthur Books, $25.99, 9780316043878/0316043877) tells the story of a family of women who find and lose love on Nantucket.

That crazy man from Nantucket! He really must be… impressive. The whole family of women? Really?

Think of a Number: A Novel by John Verdon (Crown, $22, 9780307588920/0307588920) follows a retired detective who becomes obsessed by the threatening number-based puzzles he keeps mysteriously receiving.

Inspired by what? A subscription to a Sodoku magazine?

And, last but not least, my favorite backhanded compliment from a review of David Mitchell's latest novel (The Something Something of Jakob Somebody):

"The most consistently interesting novelist of his generation." – Time

So, is that like trying to get your friend to go out with a guy she doesn't know, and the only recommendation you can make (that isn't an outright lie) is, "Well… he's interesting."

Yeah, I tried reading it, too. I got roughly halfway through my review copy and lost it somewhere. I'm pretty sure I dropped it off the side of the bed when I fell asleep. It hit the floor with an interesting thud. Then the dust bunnies dragged it off to their lair. Maybe I'll send that canine search-and-rescue trainer after them. Sometime between his second and third encounters with serial killers.

Please make it stop.