I'd been working on two bonafide book-related posts when something caught my eye, as things tend to do when I blow off real writing and randomly search the internet think about overarching themes which weave themselves through our lives, reflecting back our own humanity in that great, big mirror we call life. So we may recognize some aspect of unity within this great, roiling universal morass.

(Whatever the hell that is. I just wanted to use "morass" in a sentence.)

What cut my surfing intensely philosophical musings so short? Animals. Namely, images of animals being forced to wear things completely compromising their dignity. Quite possibly their long-term mental health.

Reader, I was shocked. And very, very entertained afraid.

WE ARE FIENDS!

I mean, really. A patriotic Laura Ingalls Wilder dog? What self-respecting canine wouldn't pull this off and rip it to shreds? The kind of dog I wouldn't want to know, that's what kind. The kind Paris Hilton would own, a dog so giddy from the smell of cosmetics and bodily fluids it's lost the will to fight back. One that dreams of a swift death.

Whether for her or Paris it just doesn't matter. But I know my vote.

And imagine the person sitting at a sewing machine making this. The phone rings, she answers, "Can I call you back? I'm in the middle of making a dog bonnet right now."

"A what?"

"A dog bonnet!"

"That's what I was afraid you said."

Do other countries drape their dogs in flags? Is this what Betsy Ross had in mind? Ya think? Crazy ass foreigners who torch our flag, stomping on the burning embers in the streets, are less offensive than this. Chanting and burning are just their thing. Everyone needs a hobby. Their's is just being psychotic. Who's to say?

Let's see. If a flag touches the ground, fades or rips it's supposed to be burned in a dignified manner. But it's okay to pimp it up by adding a white border, then tie it on your freakin' DOG? Is there no amendment that covers that? Like the Good Taste Amendment, upon breach of which you will be executed by firing squad?

I thought this was a DEMOCRACY! Dude, WHERE ARE MY RIGHTS!

I won't argue the principle. The anus isn't a particularly attractive feature, and in the case of some dogs there's not enough tail to cover these nasty – but vital – bits. But you do realize this will eventually wind up on top of a pile of poop, right? And that gets a thumb's up?

Does this young lady not really want to date? Ever? YOU ARE POSING WITH YOUR FACE ON A DOG'S ASS! Post that at Match.com, why don't you. Or eHarmony. Maybe eHarmony.

Does no one think of the children?

 

Oh! The monkey dog! I have no words. The anguish in her eyes speaks volumes. Something like, "Shoot me. Please. I AM A FREAK OF NATURE!"

Good thing for this dog Michael Jackson's not around anymore.

VERY good thing.

Finally, this lovely bitch draped in lace, dreaming of her wedding day.

Wonder if her anus is covered by a flower sticker? If so, is thumb's up girl invited to the reception?

HAS ANYONE STILL NOT THOUGHT OF THE CHILDREN?

But it isn't just the dogs. There's more, if you can stand the horror.

This look says, "i wait 'til you sleep then i covers your face with pillow. pillow with googly eyes, beeyatch. you will die. then i will laugh. ha ha. i will laugh."

And, finally, "KITTY KILLS. KITTY WILL CUTS YOU. KITTY WILL MAKES BLOOD."

Because all life's experiences bring wisdom – whether for good or ill –
the lesson learned is as a species we behave shamelessly toward those
furry creatures of unconditional love. When all is said and done they're
little more than slaves doomed to serve our every perverted whim –
nothing but paw(n)s, here for our own amusement.

But mostly? The point is there is no real purpose to this post, save to shred my already precarious reputation. And that, my friends, is the benefit of living in a free society, where there is liberty, justice, and the right to act like as big an ass as we please. And, if we want, we can cover that ass with a flower. Because we are just that endowed with inalienable rights.

God bless the children!