On a need to know basis.

When you bring that sweet little baby home from the hospital they "forget" to tell you a few crucial truths about parenting. For instance, they neglect to mention you may one day feel the need to yell:


My youngest child (12) has learned his big sister (16) laughs hysterically and uncontrollably when her derriere is tickled. He uses this knowledge for evil, as a means to, for instance, get her off the sofa when he wants it to himself.

Let this serve as a warning to parents, or parents to be, everywhere. What "they" don't tell you I will. It takes a village to reduce Prozac addiction.

A few more phrases to hold in reserve:

"DON'T drink out of the carton!"

"Isn't that the same shirt you've worn for three days?"

"You do NOT own three identical shirts."

"You can belch on demand? Make sure you mention that at job interviews."

"I am NOT leaving the house at 10:30 p.m. to buy a poster board for a project you "suddenly remembered."

"What's that smell? OH GOD!"

"See that hole in the countertop? The one with the faucet? THAT'S WHERE DIRTY DISHES GO."

"And, that machine UNDER the countertop ALSO HOLDS DIRTY DISHES. In fact, it MAGICALLY CLEANS THEM."

"Yes, I DO support conservation of resources, but that doesn't mean you can't occasionally shower."

"So you replaced your carpeting with dirty clothes? Think of all the water and detergent we'll save!"

"Popsicles for breakfast? Really?"

"No, I did NOT own a dinosaur for a pet when I was a kid."

"And YES, we'd already harnessed electricity."

"When you walk past the freezer and see water dripping on the floor? Try to summon the energy to lean on it until you hear it close. OR IT WILL RUIN YOUR POPSICLES!"

And, finally:

"What? You've found the center of the universe and it's YOU?! HURRY, CALL NASA!"

Gotta love it. It makes the process of slipping into insanity much easier on everyone.

3 thoughts on “On a need to know basis.

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