You may be familiar with the WEtv program Bulging Brides. If not I'll give you a quick synopsis: basically, six weeks out from her wedding date a bride finds – to her horror - the dress she bought months ago no longer fits. The blushing bride's back fat bulges out (thus the title) in a manner most unbecoming, preventing the straining zipper from making its way up her back. Or, if her bridal consultant can get the zipper up, the bride looks as though she's about to explode tulle and satin everywhere. Not exactly the makings of a good family anecdote to blind poor Aunt Sally with a face full of seed pearls.
So, what can she do?! Why, she calls in the trainers from the program, and they whip her right back into shape via a diet and exercise routine designed to melt off the fat and get that zipper a-zippin' by the big day. So, I thought to myself, if the bride can do it, why not the wedding guest? I'm proposing what should be the next WEtv program: The Bulging Wedding Guest.
The premise is the same. I buy a dress to wear to the wedding, one that's just a smidge too small for me, then diet and exercise to fit into it by Galpal and her Beau's big day. Is it risky? Damn right it is! But once you've paid the money for the dress failure isn't an option. Or, one very humiliated wedding guest will be heading out to return one dress and buy another a size bigger.
The big question is: does anyone really care what one wedding guest is wearing when there's a lovely bride to look at? Decidedly not, but the guest sure does, considering her pool of potential wedding invitations has shrunken to the extent her next formal dress is likely to be for the mother of the bride. It would also be quite an accomplishment, one to
rub others' noses in be proud of, and one that will put me on track for summer's eventual arrival and the annual shedding of the fat-hiding sweaters (SOB!).
Should I not make my goal, I promise I shan't lie. I'll admit I either imbibed a few cookies too many or blew off too many workouts. Or both.
Right now Galpal's wedding is just under six weeks away. One day under, to be exact (Note to Galpal: sweating yet?!). I don't have the dress, but on the way home from work today I'll stop by a store to see if I can find anything suitable. I'll bring it home and photograph it for you, posting it sometime next week.
Since I don't have a trainer – and won't be getting one anytime soon - I do only cardio workouts. Those burn calories and sculpt the body, too, but I'll have to rely heavily on diet for this experiment in
torture dedication, since I won't have time to add in a weight routine with all I have going. So, here goes. Time to take that one last big breath and plunge in.
Anyone wishing to start a pool betting on my ultimate success or failure is welcome to do so. Just remember that in some states gambling is illegal. Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible for any arrests or fines due to the vast numbers of people who will surely wager money on this endeavor. I will, however, be willing to take a cut of the winnings. I will also not hesitate to prosecute – to the fullest extent of the law - anyone who writes and/or publishes photos of chocolate over the next six weeks. And Karma will get you, too, believe me. I should know.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Here I go.
Note: I won't be advertising anything so sensitive as weight or measurements here, unlike on the original program, but I can report in as far as weight loss (or not) per week. That's pretty safe, and far more suited to my vanity. Stay tuned!