FAIR WARNING:

If you have only one adorable, plump, pink baby listen up. The day you phone all your relatives to tell them you're having another baby, don't be surprised if all you hear is hysterical laughter. If they're so out of breath they can't calm down enough to ask the requisite questions, "So, when are you due? Is it a boy or a girl? Are you going to find out this time?" the reason is they KNOW THE SECRET.

Young parents think, "Awww…! This one sweet, little, cooing baby! I want another one JUST LIKE IT!" Oh, but that doesn't happen. Instead, what you're given is the exact opposite you got the first time around. Whereas the first one coos, the second one flashes its sharp, gleaming fangs, lashing out when you least expect it. Sweet child number one never fails to be followed by spawn of Satan # 2. And child # 3?

WE MUST NOT SPEAK OF THIS.

Two out of three of my COOING PINK BABIES, now turned teen and tween, were just having a sweet moment at each other's throats, yelling, screaming and "I hate you"-ing. As I watched these darlings - these former pacifier-sucking, blanket-carrying sweethearts - kick each other it suddenly occurred to me: I owe it to the world to break the cycle of parental silence.

Because, you see, those of you with only one child don't know this, because you haven't been initiated, but we with two or more children are all in a big, secret club. I took a vow never to tell you this, but I feel I must. This has gone on far too long. Future population be damned!

We are under double-secret probation not to tell you the truth: QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD! IT WILL NOT GET BETTER!

There! I feel so much better getting that off my chest. I may not get into the next "parents with  multiple children" meeting, but it's so worth it. I hated hanging out with them anyway. All they ever did was bitch, bitch, bitch … I can stay home and hear that. That, and children screaming, "I HATE YOU YOU ALWAYS LIKED HER BETTER SHE RUINS MY LIFE!"

If only someone had told me. If only … Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find my Prozac chewables.